The Touro Communication Club Notes - #94 –November 4, 2009

Tourocommunicationclub.blogspot.com

Communication Quote of the Week

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

Albert Einstein (1879–1955) was a theoretical physicist. His many contributions to physics include the special and general theories of relativity, His best-known equation is "E=mc²- energy equals mass times the velocity of light squared." He received the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics for his services to Theoretical Physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect.” He is often regarded as the father of modern physics. (Wikipedia)

Tuesday November 3, 2009 – 2 pm – Room 314 - Midtown

8^th Speech Contest

Finalists from the Communication classes will compete for cash prizes.

1^st prize $100.00 – 2^nd prize - $75.00 – 3^rd prize - $25.00

Come to give your support to your friends!

Observe Touro’s leaders of tomorrow as they demonstrate their skills!

Refreshments will be served.

The Touro Communication Club

2 pm - Wednesday, November 4, 2009 – Room 223

“Martial Arts and Communication – a Demonstration”

Club member Ronald Johnson is a brown belt instructor in martial arts. After one of our meetings, we talked and he made some clear points about the connection between the principles of martial arts and communication. He and his students will demonstrate a few moves that capture how the two unlikely areas do connect.

A Note to Communicators:

Questions and Questioning #1

Strategy: To employ the various tools of communication effectively.

Tactic: To discover the power of questioning to gain information and other ideas in order to better develop your own point of view.

Communication is very much concerned with words and behavior, their choice and impact on ourselves and others. Too often we interact the others without being aware of what we are saying and to whom we are saying it.

To become aware is the first stage of any Communication strategy - of our breathing, of the space we occupy, of others and their behavior. Awareness begins with noticing ourselves and our surroundings. And then to begin to ask questions.

However, most of us don’t question. We let things happen to us. We accept what is given without comment. We may complain to ourselves. Our attitude might leak how we feel about a topic or a person’s behavior.

One of President Ronald Reagan’s favorite stories demonstrates three consequences of questioning; He said,

“There are three kinds of people:

Those that make things happen.

Those that watch things happen,

And those who say, ‘Wha’ hoppen?’”

The first category of people who are aware, know their goals and are making a difference. The second category are spectators who watch TV to see the accomplishments of others. The third category people are asleep, stuck in their own bubbles, aware of not much beyond the tip of their noses.

Waking from a Rip Van Winkle slumber is indeed difficult for those in the second and third categories. If they like their situations, then by all means, stay sleep or keep watching TV.. However, if they experiencesome kind of dissatisfaction, they need to begin with some basic questions:

· Am I happy with myself?

· Do I like the situation I’m in?

· Do I want something different?

· How do I change from my current situation to a new one?

These personal questions begin to train a questioning cast of mind. Einstein’s quote captures a cast of mind which enables a person to function more effectively in the world.

Moreover, developing a strategy of questioning can anticipate some of our potential problems.

· We hear the professor saying something in class. We think we understand. We go home and start our homework and find we don’t understand. We kept silent.

· We are on a first date. We are so flooded with emotional excitement that we see but ignore some behavior of our partner. We keep silent.

· We decide to vote in an election. We get in the booth and don’t know who the candidates are. We pull the lever for someone that we saw on television.

· We need a job so we accept the first job we can find. But then we notice little things that aren’t to our liking. We keep silent.

· We decide to rent an apartment. We are so eager to get the place that we don’t ask about our neighbors, the maintenance of building, how responsible the super is.

· We are in class and we notice that someone in class does something unethical. We keep silent.

· We are in a relationship and our partner does something we don’t accept. We keep silent.

We pay a price for not asking questions. Tragedies occur from not asking any questions, enough questions or the right questions. We may not even notice the price until months or years later - after the event.

The traumas of both December 7, 1941, and September 11, 2001, were results of not asking questions. The Holocaust was a tragic consequence of not asking questions. The financial crisis is a result of not asking questions. Investors in Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme paid a price for not asking questions. You choose the tragedy and it’s likely that questions were not asked.

While it is extremely important to question, the downside of questioning is “analysis paralysis.” We ask so many questions of ourselves and our situation that we freeze and can no longer function.

As I write, former Vice-President Cheney is accusing President Obama of “dithering” while making a decision about the conduct of the war in Afghanistan. In Cheney’s eyes, Obama is taking too long to arrive at a decisive strategy about how to wage of the war.

Obama’s handlers, on the other hand, argue that the President is making a thoughtful, reasoned decision, rather than “shooting from the hip” as the Bush/Cheney “cowbody mentality” administration was criticized for doing.

No one can ask enough questions. There are no dumb questions. As instructors advise their students, “The dumb question is the question that is NOT asked.”

Yet the right balance of questioning and silence is difficult to maintain. My “druthers,” however, is ask too many questions, even if I am accused of conducting a Spanish Inquisition. I often have to apologize for behaving like Sam Waterston on “Law and Order.”

I am still learning clever new ways to ask questions without my response feeling like a question. But, more on fishing expeditions at a later time.

UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:

November 11 – No meeting – Faculty Development Day

November 18 - “Charles Borkhuis and his Radio Plays” – English faculty member Charles Borkhuis has several creative lives outside of Touro. In addition to his poetry, both his radio and stage plays have received international acclaim. We are going to listen to one of his radio plays and discover how he does what he does.

November 25 – “SPAR Debate” We need to return to practicing our Communication skills. This is another exercise to train your ability to think on your feet. You are given a topic – let’s say, “Honesty is the best policy.” You and a partner flip a coin for who is going to agree with the statement and who is going to disagree. You have a brief period to prepare, and then you argue you side. You will question your opponent and then restate your position. The audience will vote on who gave the best argument. They cannot take sides. To keep things lively, we have many other topics.

December 2 – “Walking the Talk”- Many of us have had the experience of knowing people who promise to do something and don’t do it. This experience can be personal or within a group. A Touro Dean once described two categories of participants in a project. “There are the show horses and there are the work horses.” The show horses talk a good game, but they “don’t deliver the mail,” as one member of Congress recently phrased it. There are dozens of ways this situation occurs. We’ll share our experiences and then discuss what to do about the phenomenon.

December 9 – “Moral Decay and The Need for a Dress Code”– Recently, Charles Mason gave me a copy of an academic article entitled “Moral Crisis in Higher Education and the Dress Code Phenomenon.” The article reviews “indecent dressing among youth today”and “the need to restore high moral standards, integrity and decency.”In one of our recent sessions, the topic of saggy pants stirred up much discussion. Some people feel strongly – pro and con - about the way certain people dress. We try to keep calm during the session.

What about one of these topics?

“How Do You Fire Someone?”

“Thinking”

“Rap and Hip Hop – What’s the Message?"

“Rodney King: ‘Why Can’t We Get Along?”

“Asking Questions in Class”

“Cold Calling in Sales”

“Meaning”

“The Seven Heavenly Virtues”

“Why Does History Repeat Itself?”

“Repetition”

“Cynicism”

And dozens of others!

What happened on Wednesday, October 28, 2009? “Entitlement”

Today’s session ballooned to a wonderful 35 people, the largest group since the Civil Rights class visited last spring.We were delighted to have Professor Gena Bardwell’s Public Speaking class from Dov Revell in Forest Hills join us for the spirited discussion. Our visitors included Rochell Yushuvayev, Elizabeth Paryev, Gabriel Khaitov, Mikhail Amnov. Sabrina Hanima, Yuriy Abramov, Avner Fazilov, Ester Danicrov, Alan Weinberg, Arkady Yuabov, Rokhel Mirzayev, Bertha Akilov, Evelyn Malakan, Maya Karamova, Liana Sargsyan, , Jonathan Tineo,Thawra DerAlfana and Golnaz Javidnia. Other newcomers included Shawn Odle, Divaka Sosa, Sheyla martinez and Jean Dege. Familiar faces included Gena Bardwell, Gary Sheinfeld, George Backinoff, Donne Kampel, Lorinda Moore, Timothy Taylor, Jean Missical, Charles Mason, Richard Green, Erica Bell, Drani Gabu, Pamela Sheppard, Ronald Johnson and Hal Wicke.

[Editor’s note: Please excuse any misspellings since I was not able to read several signatures. Also, nine of the newcomers did not include their email addresses so I cannot send them a copy of the blog. If these people change their minds and want to be included on the Communication Club email list, please email me at halwicke@aol.com with your email address. Send me your spelling corrections, too.]

Before everyone arrived, Hal put on the board:

· Define entitlement.

· Do you feel entitled?

· How do you deal with someone who feels they are entitled?

· Rodney Dangerfield – “I ain’t got no respect.”

· George Orwell – “Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.”

· [Military axiom – “Rank has its privilege.”]

· Categories normally associated with entitlement – teachers, lawyers, the boss, the President, parents, priests/ministers/rabbis/imams

Among the definitions of entitlement were:

· Those who are better than others

· Those who deserve respect

· Somebody who is over you.

· Someone who says they are equal, but acts as if they are not.

· Those who believe they are “right.”

· Someone deserving of an award

· Someone who has earned the right.

· Ownership.

· A matter of rights.

· Matters of law – persons legally entitled to rewards, the GI bill.

· PhDs, EdD – earn respect by advanced degrees

· Actions deserve respond

· Say it, then do it.

· Titles – start out deserving respect, but then they have to prove themselves

· Actions speak louder than words.

· People respect differently.

Jean spoke about his experience in retail where customers often did not respect the job he was doing. As a customer service person, he felt he did not deserve a thank you beyond doing his job well. “You don’t expect a thank you if you are doing a good job.”

· There was an extended discussion of common courtesy.

· [Common courtesy is often considered the grease of social interaction.’]

· Jean felt “please and thank you” were not necessary if you did a good job.

· Are manners necessary. What is the role of “please” and “thank you.”?

· Reciprocity – you scratch my back/I scratch yours

· Civility -What about the Golden Rule?

· Everybody sees everything through their own eyes. {Perception]

· [This week Hillary Clinton stated “Perception is the reality” when speaking of Afghanistant and Pakistan.] [Henry Kissinger is supposed to have first made this observations.]

Gary - People feel alienated – that’s the tenor of the time – There’s no genuine community people need community – we can be civil – education makes a change – We are treated as commodities – as things –

· The students did not feel necessarily like they were commodities.

· Do women feel like objects – commodities – in their relationships with men.

· One woman said that she felt like an object in her relationships with men.

· Aren’t celebrities commodities?

· We all have invisible contracts

· Students are entitled to be taught

· Nobody is entitled to an A.

· There’s entitlement and the perception of entitlement. What’s real?

· CEO million dollar bonuses – are they entitled to them – unclear responses.

· They have a different world view.

· Most people work to get something?

· “Do you know what the credit card industry calls people who pay their bills on time? Deadbeat.,”

· Bonuses show appreciation for bringing in the money.

· England and Spain have royalty who are entitled.

· With entitlement comes hubris or pride – ego.

· Story – black slave woman killed her children – should she die for murder or destroying property?

· Is Sophie in “Sophie’s Choice” entitled to live while she sent her children to Auschschitz?

· Roe v. Wade – Right to life or woman’s rights

· Are men entitled to avoid cooking?

· Are you entitled have people say your new hairdo looks wonderful?

· White lies? Just to keep things going.

Lorinda’s question “What did you learn?”

· One person can mess up the day

· Conflict – not willing to learn

· Don’t expect but allow for acknowledgement

· Don’t fish for ” thank you.”.

· Learn to say “thank you.”

· Many people learn respect someday even though they don’t like it.

· Try to see the other’s point of view.

· People buy entitlement – make a contribution – just because it’s there.

Overall, there was a lot of participation by most everyone. The exchange was quite spontaneous throughout. A couple of people dominated by enthusiastically expressing their opinions. Once the discussion got going, the group was able to find various forms of entitlement in many aspects of our experience. Another lively experience.

We always have a great time exploring these issues. So often our daily life never focuses on these Communication issues. If you have something you want us to discuss please let us know and we’ll add it to the list.

Next time bring a friend. The Communication Club is always an open discussion, limited only by time. Everyone gets a chance to speak. All opinions are welcome. Here is an opportunity for students to challenge professors’ views outside the class without any homework or assignments. You just have to show up and listen and talk if you want.

Hal Wicke

The Touro Communication Club Notes #93 –October 28 2009

Tourocommunicationclub.blogspot.com

Communication Quote of the Week

The cruelest lies are often told in silence.

Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 - 1894), Scottish author, poet and travel writer. He is best known for his novel, Treasure Island, and his novella, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The Touro Communication Club

2 pm - Wednesday, October 28, 2009 – Room 223

“Entitlement”

You believe that you are deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. Are you entitled to “respect”? Are you entitled to an A grade in every course? Are you entitled to say, “I am King”? (Sean John’s new men’s fragrance). Does fame make you entitled? Because you are male or female, does that make you entitled? What are the criteria for being “entitled”? George Orwell’s novel, “1984,” described a society where “Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.” Another complex topic that shows up in the words we choose and the behavior we use.

A Note to Communicators:

Silence, Pauses and Hesitancies and what is NOT said

Strategy: To notice the various aspects of communication.

Tactic: To observe gaps in communication when people speak or use non-verbal communication and when they do NOT speak or use non-verbal communication.

Is silence “golden”? The cliché says so. But as R.L. Stevenson notes, silence can be used for nefarious purposes.

Silence is more ambiguous that a word or a gesture. It may mean something. It may not. To a large degree, the meaning of silence is conveyed by context. When does silence occur?

One kind of silence is the lack of response. It happens personally and professionally.

You say “hello” to someone. No response. You leave a phone or email message for someone. No response. Silence also conveys meaning by what is left out, what is omitted.

In a dating or interview situation, you were promised that someone would contact you in a day or so. They don’t.

What goes through your mind?

• The person forgot.
• The person is extremely busy and just didn’t get around to getting back to you.
• The person doesn’t want to contact you.

Your imagination can run wild.

Another kind of silence is not responding or pausing too long in a response.

A third manifestation of silence is changing the topic.

A fourth variation of silence is answering a question with a question. Suddenly, the other person is your therapist.

Still another variation of silence is giving you a non-responsive response. You are talking about one thing and your partner starts talking something else.

Yes, these kinds of silence are rather disconfirming. They don’t feel nice. You feel something’s not right.

However, often the conversation is going too fast for you to notice these nuances of silence. But afterwards, you may have an uncomfortable feeling that you aren’t sure where it came from.

When these phenomena occur often enough, you notice a pattern and are puzzled. You are suspicious. Perhaps, as you listen more closely, you begin to confirm your suspicions. And THEN your imagination runs wild. Paranoia, here we come!

For now, what the next step might be is the subject of another discussion. Or, upon further close listening, you decide your suspicions were unfounded.

Another category of silence is in the text of the conversation – the subjects and words that the person uses.

A person may speak a lot about one topic, but leave out major aspects that would create a total picture. This can present a biased picture of a topic.

Three examples: one from recent history, one from the dark mists of an important bygone era and one from the theatre.

In President Obama’s recent speech to gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals and the transgendered, his words were enthusiastically received. Yet he did not mention same-sex marriage. I’m sure some people noticed his silence since he is on record for defining marriage as between a man and a woman.

“Truth in Lying,” was the headline of a 1976 column of the late William Safire, the long time New York Times Op-Ed columnist, lexicographer and former Nixon speech writer. [He was responsible for Vice President Spiro Agnew’s much quoted “Nattering Nabobs of Negativism.”] In the column, Safire observed closely the behavior of then Attorney General William Mitchell who was being cross-examined for his role in the Watergate break-in. Safire saw that Mitchell was consistently telling the truth when responding to the questions he was asked. The problem was with the questions: none were phrased in a way so that Mitchell would reveal any involvement in Watergate.

In theatre, actors know that a well-placed pause can heighten or change the meaning of a speech. The late English playwright Harold Pinter created silence as a consistent leitmotif in his plays. It was used so often critics call it the “Pinter pause.”

Most of the time we are concerned about everyday “garden variety” silence. Silence is a tool used by ordinary mortals as well as politicians. Noticing the silence requires a level of awareness that most of us don’t have. We just don’t listen as closely as actors and musicians do

Here are some suggestions: Listen with your entire body, especially your eyes. Notice individual behavior. Then notice if there is a recurring pattern. Notice some of the following:

· When does the silence occur?

· How often does silence occur/

· What can silence imply? Here are some possibilities:

o Withholding information or a point of view?

o A desire not to hurt another?

o Uncertainty about what to say/

o Bewilderment as to what is being said?

o Overwhelmed by the speaker?

Realize that a pause and hesitancy are siblings of silence.

Individual awareness always has the potential to be development. If you aren’t always focusing on “ME” as the entire center of your world, you might notice that some people are sending you silent messages.

UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:

November 4 – “Martial Arts and Communication – a Demonstration” Club member Ronald Johnson is a brown belt instructor in martial arts. After one of our meetings, we talked and he made some clear points about the connection between the principles of martial arts and communication. He and his students will demonstrate a few moves that capture how the two unlikely areas do connect.

November 11 – No meeting – Faculty Development Day

November 18 - “Charles Borkhuis and his Radio Plays” – English faculty member Charles Borkhuis has several creative lives outside of Touro. In addition to his poetry, both his radio and stage plays have received international acclaim. We are going to listen to one of his radio plays and discover how he does what he does.

November 25 – “SPAR Debate” We need to return to practicing our Communication skills. This is another exercise to train your ability to think on your feet. You are given a topic – let’s say, “Honesty is the best policy.” You and a partner flip a coin for who is going to agree with the statement and who is going to disagree. You have a brief period to prepare, and then you argue you side. You will question your opponent and then restate your position. The audience will vote on who gave the best argument. They cannot take sides. To keep things lively, we have many other topics.

What about one of these topics?

“How Do You Fire Someone?”

“Thinking”

“Rap and Hip Hop – What’s the Message?"

“Rodney King: ‘Why Can’t We Get Along?”

“Asking Questions in Class”

“Cold Calling in Sales”

“Meaning”

“The Seven Heavenly Virtues”

“Why Does History Repeat Itself?”

“Repetition”

And dozens of others!

What happened on Wednesday, October 7, 2009? “The Seven Deadly Sins”

For the record: the seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.

Some people were salivating in anticipation of this week’s topic. Some eighteen people appeared during the 3-hour discussion, although the group averaged about ten or so at any one time.

The newcomers included: Rose Dubreuil, Aaron McBride, Latima Foskey and Althea Ferguson. Familiar faces included Damian Forbes, Christopher Couch, Richard Green, Erica Bell, Pamela Sheppard, Drani Gabu, Donne Kampel, Anna Indelicato, Charles Mason, Lorinda Moore, Rene Vasquez, Ronald, Johnson, Robert Bohrand Hal Wicke

As the standard opener, Hal ask for a definition, “What is a sin?” Most of responses indicated that people thought “sin” was something they associated with a religious context.

· Something that you aren’t supposed to do

· God doesn’t want you to sin, but you still do it.

· Something that is morally against religion.

· Sin is blasphemy – like using God’s name in vain.

· Going against a moral code.

· The opposite of the Golden Rule.

· Sin separates us from God if we believe we are made in the image of God.

· We’re not a team player.

· “I don’t believe in sin.”

· You do it to yourself.

· It is a selfish view of life.

· It’s like putting you hand on a hot stove and get burned

· “Nothing is a sin.”

· Cheating yourself out of doing something

· You take a change when you do something; it might be wrong.

· Everybody does these things.

· It’s part of human nature.

Charles Mason mentioned the 1995 movie “Seven” with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt as cops and. Kevin Spacey as the serial killer obsessed with the seven deadly sins.

· We are so concerned about ourselves that we aren’t concerned about the wars and disease throughout the world.

· We have a choice – control ourselves or help others.

· I am in charge of me.

· Sin is going to hurtful to you or others.

· “The Bible says ‘Everything in moderation.’”

Do we relate to each of the sins? Most related a little bit to each of the seven deadly sins.

· “I don’t see that it matters. So what if people behave like this?”

· “Try to move narcissism toward altruism.”

· “If we don’t have any of these ‘sins’ then we are perfectionists in the extreme.”

· The Roman Catholic Church uses them to control behavior.

· So many things have been done in the name of religion – slavery, the Crusades

· Civil law gives order to a country.

· Aren’t atheists civil?

· Sin sounds like religion.

· Anything in excess is a sin.

· Some people see the Bible as an historical document; others as the basis for a belief system.

Richard Green quoted Rabbi Hillel’s famous statement:

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?

Rabbi Hillel was an influential Jewish scholar & theologian (30 BCE[BC] - 9 CE[AD])

· Sin is a loaded word.

· Everyone is right.

· What about “original sin”?

Lorinda suggested that we should remove the religious context from the “Seven Deadly Sins” and call them the “Seven Deadly Taboos’ or the “Seven Deadly Behaviors.” All agreed that the seven terms were extremes of human behavior and, by taking away the religious context; we can the traits accessible to everyone.

The discussion changed direction a focused on the excesses of rap music and hip hop. The comments flew back and forth. The topic changed almost every time someone spoke.

· You need to be greedy and prideful to be successful in the music business.

· Capitalism = greed

· If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Much time was spent on Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates and examples of capitalistic excess.

There was a continuing argument between those who felt that wealthy people earned too much money (greed) and the nature of free-market capitalism to make as much money as you can.

The classroom was compared to the marketplace. One person said “Not everyone can get an A. but in the marketplace everyone can get wealthy.” We were off and running again everyone was full of lively disagreement. The structure of a class was horizontal. So is capitalism. You can always get an A and open a business with your hard work. But the structure of a business is pyramidical. You work within someone else’s rules to succeed.

The discussion went back to rap and hip hop and who was a better artist than another.

Hal asked the remaining group, “Why do you get so excited about rap and hip hop?” It’s our culture.’ “We care about these artists and what they do?

Then the discussion focused on the dress of the artists and how baggy pants are a big issue for some people. People have forgotten the roots of bad-fitting and worn out clothes. It’s now fashionable to be poorly dressed. One store calls it “Shabby Chic” and charges top dollar for ripped jeans.

Some still argued for a dress code that excluded baggy pants and baseball caps. Dave Chapelle, the comedian, talks about having to be “bi-lingual,” speaking two languages and changing the language (“Homey”) when he is in one situation and talking another (“Office Speak”) when he’s in another.

When Hal stopped the spirited discussion at 5 pm, everyone who remained was still excited about rap and hip hop.

Hal promised that we will have separate discussions on capitalism and rap and hip hop in the future.

We always have a great time exploring these issues. So often our daily life never focuses on these Communication issues. If you have something you want us to discuss please let us know and we’ll add it to the list.

Next time bring a friend. The Communication Club is always an open discussion, limited only by time. Everyone gets a chance to speak. All opinions are welcome. Here is an opportunity for students to challenge professors’ views outside the class without any homework or assignments. You just have to show up and listen and talk if you want.

Hal Wicke