The Touro Communication Club Notes #82

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Communication Quote of the Week
One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.

Chinese Proverb

Congratulations to James Millner who has been accepted into the Touro Graduate School of Education, specializing in Middle School students. James was recognized for his academic and personal achievements at the June SGS Graduation ceremonies at Lincoln Center

This Week: Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2 pm - Room 223 – Midtown

“Ethics and the Golden Rule”

Professor Jose Dunker suggested a version of this topic.

Ethics is like the weather. Everyone complains about it, but no one does anything about it. (Thank you, Mark Twain). With the arrest of 44 people in New Jersey last week on corruption charges, ethics was once again in the news. What do ethics mean in our private dealings with other people? What standards should we expect from ourselves? From others? From public servants? A volatile topic.

A Note to Communicators:

Strategy: To deconstruct an event to identify its communication elements.

Tactic: To discover how the context of an event impacts on the event and affects it.

Race, President Obama and Communication

This week in response to a reporter’s question, President Obama injected himself into a police action in Cambridge in connection with his friend, Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. The police had been called to investigate an alleged break-in. Apparently Professor Gates and his cabdriver were trying to open the front door of his home. Words were exchanged and Professor Gates was led away in handcuffs, charged with disorderly conduct, later dropped.

I would like to deconstruct this communication situation – with the limited information I have. First, I have tried to describe the incident as neutrally as possible in order to identify the structure which has communication elements in it. . In situations like this, context impacts immediately on the communication. History, real or perceived, operates as a paramount factor.

Here are some of the issues implicit in the situation:

·
Race has a long, tragic and volatile history in America.

·
The police, usually white, have had a long and sometimes violent history with African-Americans and Latinos in America. Their reputation precedes their arrival, particularly for many minorities.

·
Despite progress in improving racial relations in America (Obama’s election, Judge Sonia Soto mayor’s nomination to the Supreme Course, several black governors, mayors and corporate CEOs and many other minority figures elected and appointed to posts), there remains a tension between blacks and whites which can ignite instantly when certain elements are in play.

· Non-verbal behavior, intentional or unintentional, often sets up the tension.

·
Words then become critical factors in escalating or reducing the tension.

·
With tinder as volatile as this context, once the match has been lit, a situation can quickly get out of hand.

·
President Obama and Professor Gates are black; the arresting police officer is white.

In a worse case scenario, Malcolm Gladwell’s best seller, Blink, does an autopsy on similar
factors that affected the tragic 1999Amadou Dialo killing.

Now, let us focus on the context of President Obama’s comments on the situation.

·
Obama is a friend of Gates.

·
At a news conference on health care, a reporter asks Obama what his reaction is to the Gates incident.

Here Obama makes his first mistake.

·
Obama gives his opinion of the situation, admitting that he does not know the full story, yet comments that the police acted “stupidly.”

·
The President of the United States has made a judgment about a situation involving a friend of his about which he is not fully informed.

The importance of any comment by the POTUS (Secret Service jargon for the President of the United States) is automatically magnified a thousand-fold compared to a similar comment by any aide or ordinary citizen.
·
Bill Kristol, a conservative commentator on Fox News, observed that the situation was about "class,” not race. He said he did not think that Obama would have commented on the situation at all if the presumed burglar were not Gates a friend of Obama’s.

Now that POTUS has opened his mouth, any attempt to ameliorate the volatile situation has
the risk of making it worse. In the next few days, we will see whether Obama can effectively
“damp” down the furor because it is politically distracting to his agenda. He offered to bring
both parties together for a beer in the White House.

A similar situation with Obama occurred recently on the Jay Leno Tonight show. Leno asked
Obama if he was using the White House bowling alley. In an unfortunate attempt at humor,
POTUS responded that his level of bowling skill would allow him to compete in the Special
Olympics. The uproar that followed took a week to calm down.

In these two incidents, Obama seems to be coming down with his own version of foot-in-mouth
disease that has enhanced Vice-President Joe Biden’s reputation for verbal gaffes. It remains
to be seen whether Obama can retrieve and maintain his Reaganesque “Teflon” reputation.

A more Presidential and certainly safe choice for Obama to make was to say some vague
statement as, “Professor Gates is a friend of mind. I am not completely aware of all the facts of
the situation. So, therefore, I am not able to comment on the situation.”

With examples like this, it is no wonder that public figures are vague and general in their public
utterances. Under the 24/7 media glare, enormous political capital and reputations are at
stake. One casual, off-the-cut or misspoken statement can create an instant uproar or derail a
political situation.

For a different model, President Obama can look to the instinct, legal training and specific
rehearsal that conditioned Judge Sotomayor to become virtually robotic in her Senate
confirmation hearings. To make a casual comment is to shoot yourself in the foot.

Now reverse the situation. If public figures are conditioned to speak in vague and often
glittering generalities, how do ordinary mortals obtain important opinions and facts from their leaders? By using all the tools of critical thinking:

· Direct questions, sharp questions, rephrased questions.

Listen for what is missing.

Listen for contradictions.

·
Listen for exaggerations and hyperbolic language.

·
Compare one opinion with another fact or opinion.

·
And then question, question, question.

Since most of our communication is oral (40,000 words spoken to every one that is written),
we need to realize and internalize how importance our oral discourse is and how much can
be to healing or exacerbating a situation.

UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:

August 5 – “Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable”- Never a day goes by when we don’t disagree with something someone says or does. Now we have two choices: we can choose to remain silent or we can choose to disagree. Maybe we can be clever and become passive-aggressive in our disagreement. We’ll being to explore this volatile topic and develop some productive strategies and tactics.

August 12 “Does Gossip Affect Communication?” Of course it does. But How gossip changes the communication is important for us to explore. Is gossip valid? Do people believe gossip? Why are we fascinated with it? We are inundated daily with gossip – from our family, friends, teachers, politicians – and most of all from celebrities. The media makes a ton of money by recycling all kinds of gossip. We won’t name names, but we’ll look at how and why gossip is so much of our lives.

August 19 – “How do You know You Don’t Understand?” This is a familiar feeling for many of us. Situation: Someone is saying something to you. As this person talks, you slowly realize you don’t understand what he/she is saying. Or: Same situation: You realize you haven’t been listening. Or: Same situation: You disagree with the person. There are dozens of other situations. What do you do in your mind? Then what do you do?

What happened on Wednesday, July 22, 2009?

“The Difficulties of Relationships”

As we were waiting for the session to begin, a certain person related an anecdote which seemed related to the topic for today. He was asked by his wife and daughter to join them at the new Harry Potter movie. Both have told him how much they enjoyed being together with him. He was reluctant to go because he admitted he didn’t like the movies they seemed to enjoy. He pleaded that he had too much work to do. They changed the showing date of the movie, so his schedule could accommodate their wishes to be together as a family. He still was reluctant to go, but was encouraged to join his family. Sadly, we will never know how the situation worked out.

Newcomer Ronald Johnson bolstered the group of students who included Lorinda Moor, Pamela Sheppard, Brian Brown and James Millner. Faculty included Markus Vayandorf, Jason Carvell, Charles Mason, Carlisle Yearwood, Robert Bohr and Hal Wicke.

Markus could not stay but offered his view that all relationships divide into three categories:

Personal

Official

Group-to-Group

The group agreed that we all had a least one difficulty in one of our relationships. The difficulties included

• Different perceptions
• Misinterpretations
• Little patience
• The delivery of the messages
• A dislike of perceived sugar-coating of an issue
• White lies
• Standing on principle instead of mediating a resolution
• Conflict of objectives
• Pride – or an attack on an individual’s pride
• Perception of impending harm
• Uncertain body language
• Guilt

Several people commented that they never got over the pain of the attack or difficulty. They lost a sense of sense, particularly if they were committed to a principle.

Carlisle recalled his experience as a young man in World War II in Barbados when every one was prohibited from eating the dinner meal once a week on Monday to honor of the British Empire. To die for a cause was to display discipline in the face of adversity. He carries this memory today.

Some commented that during these difficulties they began to second-guess themselves. “This is why I doubt myself all the time,” said one person. All were aware that this doubt leads to an inability to function. Several cited personal incidents illustrating these ideas. “I get upset when things are not going well,” said one person.

How one defines one’s self can threaten one’s self. Logic gets overwhelmed by emotions.

Jason offered Isaiah Berlin’s book, “The Proper Study of Man” (1997) and “The Crooked Timber of Humanity (1990), Berlin was a philosopher and historian of ideas.

Someone offered a poem about “arguing and disagreeing with everyone” from the subway advertising series, “Poetry in Motion.”

In describing a plagiarism incident with a student, one faculty member said, “Students are hard headed and don’t listen.” The group jumped on him for his perceived prejudicial statement. Perhaps this was hard-headed, but not all students are hard-headed, the group exclaimed.

Why does this happen? Self-preservation, ego protection. “You are taught in the street to never admit you are wrong,” observed Charles Mason. “It is a survival mechanism.” This led to a discussion about President Obama’s comments on Professor Gates’s experience with the Cambridge police. “You are always wrong with the police,” said one person.

Many disagreements are based on differing culture. You are taught to respect teachers, preachers and police officers. However, there have been so many incidents of police brutality in minority communities that police are looked on with suspicion. More riveting anecdotes were shared by the group.

Hal tried to bring the discussion back to the difficulties between men and women. Among the comments were;

· It’s hard to be honest in relationships.

· Women are not as messed up as men.

· Women bring a different “package” to the table than men, particularly because of their biological responsibility of bearing children.

· Your name is very important. (It carries your identity.)

·
Children of mixed races have special challenges (Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemming; Ruth and Esther in the Old Testament)

There is a double standard for male and female behavior.

·
A men’s fitness magazine advises men to lie in a relationship.

·
The number of male conquests is important to male self-esteem.

·
Young women are affected by the media culture. The popularity of “Video Ho’s.” teaches young women to be sexual objects.

The discussion was going full-force at 4:30 and threatening to exhaust everyone after 2 hours of
very intense exchanges. Hal suggested that we suspend the discussion for today and resume it
in the future with “Difficulties of Relationships."

As always, these sessions are open for everyone to attend. Bring a friend and join the
excitement. See you next time.

Hal Wicke