The Touro Communication Club Notes #87 – September 16, 2009

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Communication Quote of the Week

“Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.”

The Holy Scriptures (Old Testament) – Proverbs 17:28 (New Living translation)

How a passage is translated is crucial to its understanding. This version combines clarity and pithiness. I chose this version for its ability to convey its message succinctly and clearly.

Although tradition attributes Proverbs to Solomon, the book is probably a collection of various origins dating from the 9th to the 2d cent. B.C.E. Proverbs does insist that the fear of Yahweh is the beginning of knowledge, thus placing the instruction within the framework of faith. (Columbia Encyclopedia).

The Touro Communication Club is

On Hiatus until Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Our topic will be

“Gossip: Does It Affect Communication?”

Of course it does. But how gossip changes the communication is important for us to explore. Is gossip valid? Do people believe gossip? Why are we fascinated with it? We are inundated daily with gossip – from our family, friends, teachers, politicians – and most of all from celebrities. The media makes a ton of money by recycling all kinds of gossip. We won’t name names, but we’ll look at how and why gossip is so much of our lives.

A Note to Communicators:

Ceremonies and Rituals: The Edward Kennedy Funeral

Strategy: To find the macro in the micro, the universal in the particular, the communication lesson in current events.

Tactic: To recognize how much rituals and ceremonies communication messages.

Definition: Although sociologists and anthropologists may disagree, I will define “a ceremony as a group of rituals.” A ceremony is a public event. A ritual may be public or private. Both communicate multiple simultaneous messages that are conscious and/or unconscious.

Ceremonies include weddings, funerals, rites of passage (bar and bas mitzvahs, confirmations), graduations, and retirement parties. Rituals include the marriage proposal (the man on one knee), the presentations of engagement and wedding rings, wedding gifts, the best man speech at a wedding, the presentation of diplomas, the eulogy(s) at a funeral, religious holiday decorations and parties, the christening of a new ship, cigars at important events.

The funeral on Saturday, August 29, 2009, of Senator Edward M. Kennedy is focus of this week’s commentary. If you missed his funeral on TV, you’ve probably witnessed others that are similar. Senator Kennedy’s funeral could be labeled a Rolls Royce event. Not many fit that category. The President of the United States of America gave the final eulogy. Three former presidents and many members of Congress were in the congregation. International classical music stars Placido Domingo and Susan Graham sang while Yo Yo Ma played the cello. – twice. Then there was the entire Kennedy clan participating and in the front row. A military honor guard handled the casket.

Now that is an EVENT. It almost felt like a state funeral. Sadly, the Kennedys know how to do funerals.Ted Kennedy was a Catholic and his funeral was held in Our Lady of Perpetual Help Basilica in Boston. The Roman Catholic Church is well known for its clearly articulated ritual Mass The architecture supports the belief system. The priests are dressed in ecclesiastical robes and the Archbishop of Massachusetts, dressed in red and white vestments, wears the miter with tails to indicate his status.

The architecture of the Roman Catholic church with its Gothic arches and plentiful religious statuary and symbology is a concrete manifestation of the religion. The sequence of events conveys a stable belief system to which the congregation – presumably all believers – are witnesses. The ritual of the Holy Eucharist – the bread and wine – is the centerpiece of the ceremony.

The entire ceremony with its interior rituals is designed to convey tranquility, order, stability, confidence in the validity of the religion. The Roman Catholic Church has been polishing these details for some 2000 years and every detail has religious significance. For believers, the environment and ceremony enhances and reinforces the belief system for believers. For non-believers, the funeral ceremony is an event in honor of a well regarded person to whom they have come to pay their respects.

That President Obama and Kennedy’s two sons spoke after the Eucharist was a secular violation of the integrity of the typical Mass. The American flag covering the casket was replaced when the casket was carried into the church and covered with a funeral drape and restored outside the church.

We could continue to deconstruct the Kennedy funeral, but then this would become an undergraduate exercise in semiotics – the study of signs and their impact on society.

Probably the most unusual aspect of the event, for me, was the presence of Barack and Michelle Obama – two of a handful of dark faces in a sea of pink faces. Although no one has made reference to this phenomenon, the mere physical presence of the Obamas in everything in which they participate continues to create a ground-breaking precedent.

David Dinkins’ “gorgeous mosaic” sends another powerful message that the American landscape continues to change. Another semiotic reality to contemplate what it communicates.

UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:

September 23 - “How do You know You Don’t Understand?” This is a familiar feeling for many of us. Situation: Someone is saying something to you. As this person talks, you slowly realize you don’t understand what he/she is saying. Or: Same situation: You realize you haven’t been listening. Or: Same situation: You disagree with the person. There are dozens of other situations. What happens in your mind? Then what do you do?

September 30 – “Elevator Speeches”- We may have got out of practice of thinking on our feet. We did impromptu speaking in the spring. The “Elevato r Speech” is something you develop in advance of needing to give it. It lasts about 30 seconds, the typical time it takes an elevator to rise to its floor. Typical “Elevator Speeches” are a job introduction, a product summary, a proposal for a change in a way of doing something.

What about one of these topics?

“Giving Criticism”

“How Do You Fire Someone?”

“Thinking”

“Rap and Hip Hop – What’s the Message?"

”SPAR Debate”

“Asking Questions in Class”

“Cold Calling in Sales”

“The Seven Deadly Sins” and “The Seven Heavenly Virtues”

“Why Does History Repeat Itself?”

And dozens of others!

What happened on Wednesday, August 5, 2009?
“Professional Communication”

In the slow days of summer, it was impressive that so many students showed for this discussion. Two newcomers, Shavonne Jackson and Lorraine (whose name is on the misplaced the sign-in sheet) added much to the conversation. Familiar faces included Lorinda Moore, Pamela Sheppard, Ronald Johnson Erica Bell, Charles Mason and Hal Wicke.

Hal put on the board some guides to the discussion

· Define “professional.”

· Contrast “professional” and “unprofessional.”

· What is the behavior of “professional communication?

· What is your level of communication?

The term, “professional,” for most people, creates a mental image that is verbalized in very different ways. This was true in Hal’s attempt to define “professional.” Examples from the group:

· Using the right terms. Dotting the “i’s’ and crosses the “t’s.” Replying to questions when asked.

· Try to be precise about information.

· Speak appropriately about what is said.

What are some “unprofessional” behaviors?

· Slang.

· Going off on tangents.

· Sloppy, uncaring language.

· Inappropriate language.

When then are the norms for the street? The response was enthusiastic. Some responses:

· Dress

· High awareness of environment

· Alert to status

· Always on guard

So we have different norms for different situations: We speak one way with out family. We speak another way on the street. We learn to speak differently in a school or work situation.

Comedian Dave Chapelle20says that he is bi-lingual. One language for his “homeies” and another “proper” English for the workplace. He calls that language “jobs speak.”

What do we expect in our communication exchange when we meet someone?

· “Good morning.”

· Some kind of hospitality or greeting.

· Use different language.

· Put best foot forward

· Know we have to change behavior.

· Acknowledge the other person.

Why does President Obama receive respect from his audiences in the current town meetings on health care and many senators and members of Congress have disagreements yelled at them? People respect the office of President much more than the offices of a member of Congress.

Question: What do you do when someone disagrees with you?

Hal suggested a tactic from sales training when a sales person meets an objection. The tactic is “Feel, Felt, Found.” In specific, it goes

· “I understand how you feel.” (Expand on the feelings.)

· “At one point, I felt the same way you do.” (Expand on how you felt.”

· “But, I have found that (the opposite is true of your position.)

Question: Do you ALWAYS show respect when you meet another person?

Yes - 6

No - 1

The person who said “no” does not want to appear to “suck up” to anyone. This issue needs to be explored.

What about in class? Do you feel your teachers respect you?

Yes – almost everyone. The person was uncertain at first, thinking of a particular teacher, and then changed her mind.

Should the teacher be a friend of the student? Everyone said “No,” because the classroom situation requires distance between the two. There are boundaries.

Ronald spoke of his work as a martial arts instructor. As instructor, he is not his students’ friend.=2 0He is there to teach. “Martial arts are a way of life,” says Ronald. As sensei (martial arts teacher), he is not the friend of the students. As a father, he is also not his child’s friend either.

A consensus: “A parent is always a parent, regardless of how old the person is. How the relationship is established is very important.”

In customer service, often the representative has to deal with an abusive customer. What do you do? Talk calmly, avoid name calling. Don’t get into an argument

Lorraine commented, “You can’t take this stuff (verbal abuse) personally.” “I’m in a lovely space and don’t bust my bubble.” “Sometimes I have to do a little work on myself.” “I monitor myself.” “I want to see beauty in20the world.” “That’s why I’m majoring in Human Services.”

What is a friend?

· Someone who is there for you.

· Mutual respect for different opinions

· You are comfortable with a friend.

· Tells you the good AND the bad.

Obama does a version of this tactic when he answers questions. The 3F (feel, felt, found) tactic softens a disagreement. It demands presence of mind on the person who disagrees. And it takes a certain amount of time that promotes respectful disagreement.

Many of the above communication issues are questions of “power distance.” Within a culture, who is in the superior role? Who is in the inferior role? Are the people on an equal plane?

In a class you are the student who observes cheating? What do you do? Mind your own business during the exam. Hope the professor is grading on a curve. Do you report it to the professor? Most of the responses indicated that no one would blow the whistle on the cheater.

Now, the Lorinda question, “What did I learn from today?”

· “I want to be a regular part of these workshops.”

· “Communication is important.”

· “There are different meanings for friends.”

· “There are different techniques which we can practice everyday.”

· “I learned I have to be multi-lingual when I talk to people.”

· “I’m beginning to see how I have to change my communication.”

As always, these sessions are open for everyone to attend. Bring a friend and join the excitement. See you next time.

Hal Wicke