The Touro Communication Club Notes #93 –October 28 2009
Communication Quote of the Week
Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 - 1894), Scottish author, poet and travel writer. He is best known for his novel, Treasure Island, and his novella, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The Touro Communication Club
2 pm - Wednesday, October 28, 2009 – Room 223
“Entitlement”
You believe that you are deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. Are you entitled to “respect”? Are you entitled to an A grade in every course? Are you entitled to say, “I am King”? (Sean John’s new men’s fragrance). Does fame make you entitled? Because you are male or female, does that make you entitled? What are the criteria for being “entitled”? George Orwell’s novel, “1984,” described a society where “Everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.” Another complex topic that shows up in the words we choose and the behavior we use.
A Note to Communicators:
Silence, Pauses and Hesitancies and what is NOT said
Strategy: To notice the various aspects of communication.
Tactic: To observe gaps in communication when people speak or use non-verbal communication and when they do NOT speak or use non-verbal communication.
Is silence “golden”? The cliché says so. But as R.L. Stevenson notes, silence can be used for nefarious purposes.
Silence is more ambiguous that a word or a gesture. It may mean something. It may not. To a large degree, the meaning of silence is conveyed by context. When does silence occur?
One kind of silence is the lack of response. It happens personally and professionally.
You say “hello” to someone. No response. You leave a phone or email message for someone. No response. Silence also conveys meaning by what is left out, what is omitted.
In a dating or interview situation, you were promised that someone would contact you in a day or so. They don’t.
What goes through your mind?
- The person forgot.
- The person is extremely busy and just didn’t get around to getting back to you.
- The person doesn’t want to contact you.
Your imagination can run wild.
Another kind of silence is not responding or pausing too long in a response.
A third manifestation of silence is changing the topic.
A fourth variation of silence is answering a question with a question. Suddenly, the other person is your therapist.
Still another variation of silence is giving you a non-responsive response. You are talking about one thing and your partner starts talking something else.
Yes, these kinds of silence are rather disconfirming. They don’t feel nice. You feel something’s not right.
However, often the conversation is going too fast for you to notice these nuances of silence. But afterwards, you may have an uncomfortable feeling that you aren’t sure where it came from.
When these phenomena occur often enough, you notice a pattern and are puzzled. You are suspicious. Perhaps, as you listen more closely, you begin to confirm your suspicions. And THEN your imagination runs wild. Paranoia, here we come!
For now, what the next step might be is the subject of another discussion. Or, upon further close listening, you decide your suspicions were unfounded.
Another category of silence is in the text of the conversation – the subjects and words that the person uses.
A person may speak a lot about one topic, but leave out major aspects that would create a total picture. This can present a biased picture of a topic.
Three examples: one from recent history, one from the dark mists of an important bygone era and one from the theatre.
In President Obama’s recent speech to gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals and the transgendered, his words were enthusiastically received. Yet he did not mention same-sex marriage. I’m sure some people noticed his silence since he is on record for defining marriage as between a man and a woman.
“Truth in Lying,” was the headline of a 1976 column of the late William Safire, the long time New York Times Op-Ed columnist, lexicographer and former Nixon speech writer. [He was responsible for Vice President Spiro Agnew’s much quoted “Nattering Nabobs of Negativism.”] In the column, Safire observed closely the behavior of then Attorney General William Mitchell who was being cross-examined for his role in the Watergate break-in. Safire saw that Mitchell was consistently telling the truth when responding to the questions he was asked. The problem was with the questions: none were phrased in a way so that Mitchell would reveal any involvement in Watergate.
In theatre, actors know that a well-placed pause can heighten or change the meaning of a speech. The late English playwright Harold Pinter created silence as a consistent leitmotif in his plays. It was used so often critics call it the “Pinter pause.”
Most of the time we are concerned about everyday “garden variety” silence. Silence is a tool used by ordinary mortals as well as politicians. Noticing the silence requires a level of awareness that most of us don’t have. We just don’t listen as closely as actors and musicians do
Here are some suggestions: Listen with your entire body, especially your eyes. Notice individual behavior. Then notice if there is a recurring pattern. Notice some of the following:
· When does the silence occur?
· How often does silence occur/
· What can silence imply? Here are some possibilities:
o Withholding information or a point of view?
o A desire not to hurt another?
o Uncertainty about what to say/
o Bewilderment as to what is being said?
o Overwhelmed by the speaker?
Realize that a pause and hesitancy are siblings of silence.
Individual awareness always has the potential to be development. If you aren’t always focusing on “ME” as the entire center of your world, you might notice that some people are sending you silent messages.
UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:
November 4 – “Martial Arts and Communication – a Demonstration” Club member Ronald Johnson is a brown belt instructor in martial arts. After one of our meetings, we talked and he made some clear points about the connection between the principles of martial arts and communication. He and his students will demonstrate a few moves that capture how the two unlikely areas do connect.
November 11 – No meeting – Faculty Development Day
November 18 - “Charles Borkhuis and his Radio Plays” – English faculty member Charles Borkhuis has several creative lives outside of Touro. In addition to his poetry, both his radio and stage plays have received international acclaim. We are going to listen to one of his radio plays and discover how he does what he does.
November 25 – “SPAR Debate” We need to return to practicing our Communication skills. This is another exercise to train your ability to think on your feet. You are given a topic – let’s say, “Honesty is the best policy.” You and a partner flip a coin for who is going to agree with the statement and who is going to disagree. You have a brief period to prepare, and then you argue you side. You will question your opponent and then restate your position. The audience will vote on who gave the best argument. They cannot take sides. To keep things lively, we have many other topics.
What about one of these topics?
“How Do You Fire Someone?”
“Thinking”
“Rap and Hip Hop – What’s the Message?"
“Rodney King: ‘Why Can’t We Get Along?”
“Asking Questions in Class”
“Cold Calling in Sales”
“Meaning”
“The Seven Heavenly Virtues”
“Why Does History Repeat Itself?”
“Repetition”
And dozens of others!
What happened on Wednesday, October 7, 2009? “The Seven Deadly Sins”
For the record: the seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.
Some people were salivating in anticipation of this week’s topic. Some eighteen people appeared during the 3-hour discussion, although the group averaged about ten or so at any one time.
The newcomers included: Rose Dubreuil, Aaron McBride, Latima Foskey and Althea Ferguson. Familiar faces included Damian Forbes, Christopher Couch, Richard Green, Erica Bell, Pamela Sheppard, Drani Gabu, Donne Kampel, Anna Indelicato, Charles Mason, Lorinda Moore, Rene Vasquez, Ronald, Johnson, Robert Bohrand Hal Wicke
As the standard opener, Hal ask for a definition, “What is a sin?” Most of responses indicated that people thought “sin” was something they associated with a religious context.
· Something that you aren’t supposed to do
· God doesn’t want you to sin, but you still do it.
· Something that is morally against religion.
· Sin is blasphemy – like using God’s name in vain.
· Going against a moral code.
· The opposite of the Golden Rule.
· Sin separates us from God if we believe we are made in the image of God.
· We’re not a team player.
· “I don’t believe in sin.”
· You do it to yourself.
· It is a selfish view of life.
· It’s like putting you hand on a hot stove and get burned
· “Nothing is a sin.”
· Cheating yourself out of doing something
· You take a change when you do something; it might be wrong.
· Everybody does these things.
· It’s part of human nature.
Charles Mason mentioned the 1995 movie “Seven” with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt as cops and. Kevin Spacey as the serial killer obsessed with the seven deadly sins.
· We are so concerned about ourselves that we aren’t concerned about the wars and disease throughout the world.
· We have a choice – control ourselves or help others.
· I am in charge of me.
· Sin is going to hurtful to you or others.
· “The Bible says ‘Everything in moderation.’”
Do we relate to each of the sins? Most related a little bit to each of the seven deadly sins.
· “I don’t see that it matters. So what if people behave like this?”
· “Try to move narcissism toward altruism.”
· “If we don’t have any of these ‘sins’ then we are perfectionists in the extreme.”
· The Roman Catholic Church uses them to control behavior.
· So many things have been done in the name of religion – slavery, the Crusades
· Civil law gives order to a country.
· Aren’t atheists civil?
· Sin sounds like religion.
· Anything in excess is a sin.
· Some people see the Bible as an historical document; others as the basis for a belief system.
Richard Green quoted Rabbi Hillel’s famous statement:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?
Rabbi Hillel was an influential Jewish scholar & theologian (30 BCE[BC] - 9 CE[AD])
· Sin is a loaded word.
· Everyone is right.
· What about “original sin”?
Lorinda suggested that we should remove the religious context from the “Seven Deadly Sins” and call them the “Seven Deadly Taboos’ or the “Seven Deadly Behaviors.” All agreed that the seven terms were extremes of human behavior and, by taking away the religious context; we can the traits accessible to everyone.
The discussion changed direction a focused on the excesses of rap music and hip hop. The comments flew back and forth. The topic changed almost every time someone spoke.
· You need to be greedy and prideful to be successful in the music business.
· Capitalism = greed
· If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Much time was spent on Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates and examples of capitalistic excess.
There was a continuing argument between those who felt that wealthy people earned too much money (greed) and the nature of free-market capitalism to make as much money as you can.
The classroom was compared to the marketplace. One person said “Not everyone can get an A. but in the marketplace everyone can get wealthy.” We were off and running again everyone was full of lively disagreement. The structure of a class was horizontal. So is capitalism. You can always get an A and open a business with your hard work. But the structure of a business is pyramidical. You work within someone else’s rules to succeed.
The discussion went back to rap and hip hop and who was a better artist than another.
Hal asked the remaining group, “Why do you get so excited about rap and hip hop?” It’s our culture.’ “We care about these artists and what they do?
Then the discussion focused on the dress of the artists and how baggy pants are a big issue for some people. People have forgotten the roots of bad-fitting and worn out clothes. It’s now fashionable to be poorly dressed. One store calls it “Shabby Chic” and charges top dollar for ripped jeans.
Some still argued for a dress code that excluded baggy pants and baseball caps. Dave Chapelle, the comedian, talks about having to be “bi-lingual,” speaking two languages and changing the language (“Homey”) when he is in one situation and talking another (“Office Speak”) when he’s in another.
When Hal stopped the spirited discussion at 5 pm, everyone who remained was still excited about rap and hip hop.
Hal promised that we will have separate discussions on capitalism and rap and hip hop in the future.
We always have a great time exploring these issues. So often our daily life never focuses on these Communication issues. If you have something you want us to discuss please let us know and we’ll add it to the list.
Next time bring a friend. The Communication Club is always an open discussion, limited only by time. Everyone gets a chance to speak. All opinions are welcome. Here is an opportunity for students to challenge professors’ views outside the class without any homework or assignments. You just have to show up and listen and talk if you want.
Hal Wicke
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