Touro Communication Club Notes #79

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Communication Quote of the Week

”Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.”

Daniele Vare was an Italian diplomat and expatriate who lived in China in the 1920s and 1930s. He wrote a number of novels, plays, and nonfiction books in both Italian and English.

This Week: Wednesday, July 8, 2009

2 pm - Room 223 – Midtown

“Stand-up Comedy”

We owe this topic to recent Geovanny Leon’s impromptu speech. His performance led to a discussion of what is funny and how to make people laugh. The joke and its well-honed implicit structure will induce a laugh if told well. In the open-ended discussion, we’ll explore a series of questions about humor and comedy. Just in case it gets boring, bring your favorite joke.

A Note for Communicators:

Object Lessons in Managing a Country

Strategy: to find stories in the news from which we can learn how to communicate more effectively.

Tactic: To current events to discover personal lessons.

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of being awake in your life is to be aware of what’s happening in the world while managing your own personal affairs. It’s akin to rubbing your stomach and patting your head. Confusing and difficult, yet necessary if you want to learn how to juggle.

The overriding saga that we can learn from is what is happening in Iran and its election. Here are the facts as understood by an interested observer.

For those who have not been awake in the last several weeks, Iran had an election for president on June 12^th. The pre-election mood of the country was upbeat. Several candidates were competing, including Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the incumbent. There was great excitement on the day of the election as the outpouring of Iranian citizens cast their votes in their first important election in four years.

Excitement turned to dismay and then to anger when Ahmadinejad was reelected “overwhelmingly” by a 63% margin in a ballot count that took one day. Many Iranians couldn’t believe that their candidate, Mir Hussein Moussavi, was defeated.

Demonstrations against the outcome were at first peaceful, but turned violent and deadly when the supreme leader Ayatolloah Ali Khamenei forbade all demonstrations and media coverage. (The official name of Iran is The Islamic Republic of Iran, a theocracy ruled by Islamic law or Shariah and headed by a Grand Ayatollah who presides over the management of the country. His word is inviolate.)

Despite the media prohibition, cell phone cameras recorded the shocking events for world consumption and tweets sent factual blurbs to the media, a compelling demonstration that freedom of information burns eternal. In fact, Twitter suddenly became an international icon when President Obama asked the company to delay a maintenance overall until well after the protests

Iran’s Revolutionary Council, analogous to the U.S. Supreme Court and composed entirely of clerics, confirmed the validity of the election. The energy of the demonstrations rose and then fell to silence under the governmental repression. Iran’s media was shut down. Tweets kept coming.

Late last week, the Khameni government began calling Moussavi and the protesters traitors to and criminals. Within hours, several protesters were arrested and quickly had “confessed” election misdeeds.

Then yesterday (Saturday, July 3, 2009), in a surprise turn of events, another group of clerics, the Association of Researchers and Teachers of Qum, a holy city southwest of Tehran) publicly disputed the June 12^th election and the legitimacy of the newly elected government. This was an historic occasion where one clerical group challenged publicly the position of another. Clearly, the autocratic government is not as unified as they would have Iranian citizens and the world believe.

But, as Yogi Berra used to say, “It ain’t over, til it’s over. And this one is especially messy since Iran is positioning itself as a nuclear power.

These events are happening 10,000 miles away, but they affect each of us directly or indirectly. I always ask myself: “What communication lessons can I learn from this news story?” Here are several thoughts, perhaps obvious and banal.

1. Many of these lessons have parallels to situations in our daily lives.

2. There are always more than two sides to an issue and he who has the marbles rules. (More marbles = more power.)

3. Definitions are important. ”Election” and “Democracy” don’t mean the same thing to different people and certainly in different countries.

4. Since there is often a gap between rhetoric and reality, watch the reality. Don’t get sweet-talked into doing something you’ll regret. Watch the behavior. Does it match the words?

5. What should my behavior be? Here is where clichés becomes real.
· Always listen and watch. Be aware.

· As President Reagan said, “Trust but verify.”

· I like President Teddy Roosevelt’s axiom better: “Speak softly but carry a big stick.”

6. What’s MY “big stick”?

· My ability to hear accurately.

· My ability to understand precisely.

· My ability to question unclear behavior and language.

· My ability to frame responses in precise, elegant and forceful yet diplomatic ways.

7. Almost without exception, when an authoritarian leader gets challenged, the predictable behavior is to quash the opposition. When the dictator is the only stakeholder in the country or organization. other stake holders are disregarded or eliminated.

I’m sure there are more lessons to be extracted from the Iranian events, but these are a start.

UPCOMING CONVER SATIONS:

July 15 – “Anatomy of Freedom” II – As expected, the discussion of 6/24 merely scratched the surface. This time, we could go a number of ways: political freedom, social freedom, religious freedom, etc. What are the consequences of freedom? Is it given or taken? Many more questions.

July 22 – “The Difficulty of Relationships” The intensity of the discussion on “Talking to Men” generated a further session, this one focusing on the interaction between men and women. It would seem that conflict is a frequent outcome of male and female interaction. We’ll try to explore some of the reasons why this is so.

July 29 – “Ethics: Integrity and the Golden Rule” Professor Jose Dunker suggested a version of this topic. “The Alabama Project” was his brainchild, an outgrowth of his class on Civil rights. The Club hosted a slide show history of Touro’s acclaimed student trip to the South, retracing the steps of the Civil Rights leaders.

What happened on Wednesday, July 1, 2009? “Talking to Men”

An intense and candid group of Communication regulars, eight men and two women (or three students and seven faculty), began quietly enough and then became deeply involved in the topic. Among the students were Lorinda Moore, Drani Gabu and James Millner. The faculty included David Nussbaum, Charles Mason, Carlisle Yearwood, Jose Dunker, Gena Bardwell, Markus Vayndorf and Hal Wicke

Hal asked the men to list their expectations in all their relationships with men and women. Their expectations included

Coherence Comprehended (understood)

Relevance Revered/Admired

Mutual respect Tact

Intelligibility Well informed

Honesty Aggressive

Openness

Importance

One quoted a Touro administrator as saying, “The problem in most relationships is that everyone brings too much baggage to the relationship.”

The question was asked, “What will we talk about after sex?” No one had an immediate response. (An aside: Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, who asked, “What do you say after you say ‘hello’?.)

Several people shared candidly aspects of their personal stories of their difficulties in relationships and in classroom situations.

In response to these familiar statements, “All men are dogs; all women are bitches,” several commented on the stereotypical nature of these words that stopped communication and generated angry responses. One person commented that there are many police officers – some good, some bad – but the stereotype of a cop is unusual negative, regardless of what he/she has/has not done.

One woman suggested that women are all pieces, some of which are not connected. Hal offered the conclusion of “The Female Brain,” by LuAnn Brizendine who characterizes “women’s brains as eight-lane highways whereas men’s brains are single, solitary country roads.”

Hal asked, “Why is gender communication so difficult?” Several men commented that they usually approached relationships rationally where in the face of hyper emotionality, they retreat from the emotions. One man commented that he used rational techniques because he was afraid of what would happen if he were to let his emotions go.

Markus commented that if you subdue your passions, you will improve yourself. Carlisle recalled two statements,

• “Where there is laughter, there is love.”
• “When you see something boiling, don’t put a cover on it. Don’t let the steam get too high.”

David recalled George Eliot’s description of “a hand pulled away” in her 1874 novel “Middlemarch” as an early sign of a relationship beginning to decay.

At this point, both Lorinda and Gena, the only two women in the room, began sharing their heartfelt responses to their difficulties in communicating with men. Each, in turn and in her way, delivered a mesmerizing distillation of her impassioned experience, almost a plea to all men to hear and understand their experience. The six in the room were silent, each lost in their reactions and not yet able to verbalize a respectful response.

In its spoken and silent eloquence, the moment was of transcendent operatic stature.

No one was able to continue the discussion as constituted, but all were willing to reconstitute a future discussion under a more general title, “The Difficulties of Relationships.”

Other topics for future Communication Club sessions included:

• College expectations for students
• Is College Preparing us for the Workplace?
• Education vs. Training
• Richard Green’s use of technology in the classroom
• Ethics:: Integrity. and the Golden Rule
• The Decision-making Process

All the sessions we have seen to have an intense quality. This one seemed to be particularly personal, candid, gripping and thought-provoking. Clearly, much dialogue must occur in any relationship, especially a serious male/female one.

As always, these sessions are open for everyone to attend. Bring a friend and join the excitement. See you next time.

Hal Wicke