The Touro Communication Club Notes - #98 –December 9, 2009
Communication Quotes of the Week
“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”
William James (1842-1910) was a pioneering American psychologist and philosopher
who trained as a medical doctor. He wrote influential books on the young science of psychology, psychology of religious experience and mysticism, and the philosophy of pragmatism. He was the brother of novelist, Henry James.
(Wikipedia)
The Touro Communication Club
2 pm - Wednesday, December 9, 2009 – Room 223
“Moral Decay and The Need for a Dress Code”
Recently, Charles Mason gave me a copy of an academic article entitled “Moral Crisis in Higher Education and the Dress Code Phenomenon.” The article reviews “indecent dressing among youth today” and “the need to restore high moral standards, integrity and decency.” In one of our recent sessions, the topic of saggy pants stirred up much discussion. Some people feel strongly – pro and con - about the way certain people dress. We try to keep calm during the session.
A Note to Communicators:
Ethos
William James’ quote at the top speaks volumes to Communicators. He uses “Act” as “behavior with a purpose.” He suggests that our behavior should always be purposeful. Moreover, James believes, if our behavior becomes conscious, then we should behave as if everything we do matters and has consequences.
[Actors are familiar with the premise of “as if.” This Stanislavski principle allows the actor to create behavior that appears to be “real” in the eyes of the audience.]
Most of time we are not aware of how we behave, how we act. In reality, we are not fully conscious. Only when it is drawn to our attention are we suddenly put in a spotlight.
Public speaking is certainly one Communication behavior that puts us under a real or imagined spotlight. That’s a major reason for stage fright, a topic we discussed in the previous blog.
However, James speaks to “acting” as behaving in everyday life. He argues that our everyday behavior matters. We don’t have to be conscious of our behavior to have it matter. Our non-verbals are always sending a whopping 93% of the meaning of our messages whether we like it or not.
[The 7%, 38%, 55% Rule: According to Albert Mehrabian, the messages we sent in three ways – our words, our voice and our non-verbal behavior. The meaning of our message carried three ways:
7% by the words we used;
38% by our voice;
55% by our non-verbal behavior – facial expression, eyes, hand gestures and body
posture.
“The 3 Vs of Delivery – Verbal, Vocal and Visual”. That means 93% of the meaning of our message is NOT carried by words, the pride and joy of English teachers.
Mehrabian, now an emeritus professor t UCLA, published his landmark book, “Silent Messages” in 1971. cf. Wikipedia]
James is referring to that 93% of our communication. When we meet people and talk with them, our words are really secondary. What counts is our energy as we relate to another.
Since women are typically more sensitive to energy than men (*Don’t argue with me yet!), they pick up on energy more quickly. Actors and dancers are trained to be more sensitive to non-verbals.
[*At another time we’ll talk about some aspects of gender communication which are challenging under the best of conditions.]
The energy we project as we communicate creates an impression. That impression is called “Ethos.” In simple terms we can call it “personality.” We all know that some people have personalities which jump out at us and some whose personality disappears into the woodwork.
We feel and experience “Ethos” but we rarely call attention to it. The American vernacular of the 60s called it “vibes.” The Chinese call it Chior Q’i. British playwright George Bernard Shaw and French philosopher Henri Bergson call it élan vital.
That Ethos or energy that we project can be very persuasive. We respond to positive Ethos. We withdraw from negative Ethos. And all the variations in between.
Ethos is one of the three ways that we persuade, according to Greek philosopher Aristotle. The other two are logos (logic) and pathos(emotion). We only study one of the three in school and that not very well. Courses in “Critical Thinking” approach an understanding of logic, which is an aspect of the topic.
However, we recognize Ethos is our daily lives. Liking or disliking a person is often based on Ethos – the subliminal messages or vibes or energy or Chi or élan vital. We are conscious of our Ethos on a date, in a sales situation – any where and any time we want to make a positive impression
· The phrase, “You don’t have a second chance to make a first impression” speaks to Ethos.
· In sales, it’s called “selling the sizzle, not the steak.’
· The Harvard lawyer Alan Dershowitz believes that the “music” of an argument in court is more persuasive that the words. In other words, we can get fooled.
But again, Ethos can often be skin deep. The package looks lovely, but once you open it, there’s nothing inside.
But that’s another story.
UPCOMING CONVERSATIONS:
December 16 – “Thinking”- Do we know when we think? Can you NOT think? Do you know how YOU think? Do you like to think? Then what do you think about? How can you direct your thinking? What about distractions? These are only some of the topics that will probably come up during the discussion. Maybe someone will know how to read our minds.
December 23 – No club meeting today – We are taking a holiday hiatus and return after the New Year. Enjoy!
What about one of these topics?
“How Do You Fire Someone?”
“Rap and Hip Hop – What’s the Message?"
“Rodney King: ‘Why Can’t We Get Along?”
“Asking Questions in Class”
“Cold Calling in Sales”
“Meaning”
“The Seven Heavenly Virtues”
“Why Does History Repeat Itself?”
“Repetition”
“Cynicism”
“Heroism”
“Leadership”
“Concentration”
“Student Needs”
“Current Events”
And dozens of others!
What happened on Wednesday, December 9, 2009? “Walking the Talk”
Here is the notice of the session to compare with what really happened!
Last night (12/1), President Obama announced his military and diplomatic intentions about the war in Afghanistan at West Point. He says he wants to “finish the job.” We shall see if he can walk his talk.
- Many of us have had the experience of knowing people who promise to do something and don’t do it. This experience can be personal or within a group. A Touro Dean once described two categories of participants in a project. “There are the show horses and there are the work horses.” The show horses talk a good game, but they “don’t deliver the mail,” as one member of Congress recently phrased it. There are dozens of ways this situation occurs. We’ll share our experiences and then discuss what to do about the phenomenon.
We had a lively group as usual with everyone willing to share their views. One newcomer Ephraim Smith was welcomes by familiar faces included Pamela Sheppard, Richard Green, Jean Missial, Shawn Odle, Carlisle Yearwood, Damian Forbes, Erica Bell, Britzia Bolanos, Drani Gabu, Ronald Johnson, Charles Mason and Hal Wicke.
Hal’s intention was to talk about President Obama’s important Afghanistan speech as an example of our leader putting himself in a public position of “Walking his talk.” As it happened we got so involved in our local issues that we forgot to bring it up. We’ll make sure it is part of a future club session.
Before we got started, Lorinda announced that Midtown was going to have a Toys for Tots drive for the holidays. The deadline for bringing in the toys is the last week before vacation.
Hal’s asked for the inevitable definition of what “Walking the Talk” means. Most seemed to understand the term as “doing what you say you’re going to do.”
Immediately, we got into some of the many reasons why some people aren’t able to do what they say they’re going to do. Some of the reasons why people don’t walk their talk included:
· The most popular reason was that people lie – they don’t tell the truth.
· They are distracted and don’t remember.
· They are “disabled by emotion.”
· They don’t want to be embarrassed by not being able to do what they promised.
· They want to “make nice” and not hurt anyone’s feelings.
· They want to be “OK.”
· Jean said he was a “big picture guy” and does not focus on the details of a project.
Several people shared their family histories of coming to America or growing up in poverty. Some found that their expectations of fulfilling the “American Dream” were disappointed. They wanted things to be better but America was not what they thought it would be before they got here. They said they couldn’t “walk their talk” because of circumstances beyond control – lack of English, money, health issues, family problems. Others felt they had made a commitment for themselves and for their children and were determined to fulfillment at great sacrifice.
· Poor life experiences create a fear of taking a chance, making a commitment.
Erica spoke about teaching her child to use the dictionary and encyclopedia regardless of the availability of the information on the Internet. She felt things have become too easy for many children and she wanted to ensure that her child didn’t have to depend on the computer
Carlisle spoke about the power of the inner voice which guides our actions.
The question was asked, “How DO you walk the talk?”
· Pamela said she writes down goals for herself and ticks them off as she completes them
· Lorinda said that her stable of artists (she is a producer of concerts, among other things) often need “mothering” to achieve their goals. She becomes the “mother” to get the show on.
· Drani told the story of a friend who prepared for a job interview by smoking marijuana against his advice. The friend didn’t get the job.
With Drani’s story, the discussion focused on job interviews where the employer must ascertain whether the potential employee must walk his/her talk. What do you as an employer look for? Here are some of the employment standards and contrasting management styles we shared:
· Damian looks for competence and credibility.
· Someone said the ability to accept criticism
· Lorinda looks for whether they can “perform” – do the show according to a certain level.
· Charles looks for whether the person can think on their feet.
· Ephraim wants the person to be competent.
· Shawn compared the “book way” and the “real way.” Doing well in school doesn’t mean that people will do well in the work force. “I can’t afford to waste time,” he said.
Jean looks for a person he can train to do the level of work he expects. [He is in charge of security for Louis Vuitton on Fifth Avenue.] He trains them the way he was trained. For example, to test an applicant’s patience, he makes them wait 45 minutes before interviewing them. Lateness and malingering with the cellphone and text messaging are some of the behavior he looks for. He gives new employees 90 days to prove themselves.
Dean Kampel asks the employee if they are able to walk their talk. She was looking for their leadership style. She describes all the basic ground rules – lying, cheating, being a bully. She works with minimal rules and thinks of the employee as part of a team. Her supervisory role is to protect her team so the work can get done. She asked the group “What do you do about recognizing someone who is “slick’ at interviewing?” No one could come up with a quick response. [Recognizing “slicksters” is a sophisticated process.]
· Several wanted respect from their employees.
· Carlisle felt that image was everything. One should do nothing to tarnish one’s image. He was using “image” in the sense of “reputation.”
· Hal offered Henry Kissinger’s observation that “Perception IS reality.”
· Drani told of his experience applying for a job as a mechanic for Mercedes. He knew nothing but was willing to learn. He commuted 60 miles round trip to get the job on Long Island.
· Pamela told of her experience working in jewelry store.
· Hal spoke of the Work Study Training program that Lorinda was about to begin at Midtown.
· Dean Kampel spoke of her doctoral work on women and leadership. A possible future topic.
In the “What Did I learn” segment, Drani observed that students were not taught how to learn and how to deal with the outer world. “We need training in this area,” he said.
Other people made brief comments, but the meeting had run until 4:30 pm and their comments were lost in the shuffling.
Clearly, another topic worth exploring.
We are making progress in our communication. We are slowly learning a common vocabulary through the building of the common shared experience. Charles Borkhuis told Hal after his recent session how impressed he was with the level of discussion.
Maybe only a guest can observe how well we are doing because we are too close to the developing process. My hope is that the quality of discussion translates into the classes that every student takes.
We always have a great time exploring these issues. So often our daily life never focuses on these Communication issues. If you have something you want us to discuss please let us know and we’ll add it to the list.
Next time bring a friend. The Communication Club is always an open discussion, limited only by time. Everyone gets a chance to speak. All opinions are welcome. Here is an opportunity for students to challenge professors’ views outside the class without any homework or assignments. You just have to show up and listen and talk if you want.
Hal Wicke
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